I believe that reason is beautiful.

I've always been honest when I write. I guess it's pointless if I'm not, so, here goes...

I've been feeling overwhelmed lately. It's been so long since I updated this that I don't even know where to start, so I'll just be blunt. Ever since Mike died, I have been searching and longing for some kind of belief system. I don't know what else to call it other than crisis mode. I learned what one church believed about heaven and I liked it, so I dived in without questioning anything. I feel like I was told to just accept it and that later on, I would feel this spirit confirming what I "already knew to be true." And I could not wait to feel that spirit. I could not wait to have confirmation that life was not pointless, that I would see Mike again, that I would see all my loved ones again. Unfortunately, I'm not the kind of person who can believe something without some kind of evidence, I never have been. I've never been someone who can run completely off hope and expectations... I've always needed facts, evidence, some kind of sign and because of my crisis mode, I let go of all of that and trusted that something would happen and I would discover a new way. I will not ever say that I regret getting baptized. I don't. As I have started learning more about religion and in particular, this religion, I have come to realize what I do believe and also what I don't believe and although I have realized that my beliefs do not align with this church, nor any church that I know of, I have realized a great deal of what I do believe.

I believe nobody knows what happens when we die. I believe church can be an incredibly positive experience for a lot of people, and I believe that for others, it doesn't make sense. I believe in a higher power. I believe in God. I believe the Bible, with it's many versions, can be interpreted to mean a million different things, and that's beautiful. I believe the hope and promise that God brings can change people's lives. I believe in changing your life if it's what you want, if it's what you need. I believe in happiness. I believe everyone should pursue what makes them happy, and never feel guilty about it. I believe that opening some doors often means closing others, and that's not a bad thing. I believe that a true Christian will support anybody's endeavors to happiness, even if it means disagreeing with them. I believe we all have different beliefs for a reason, and I believe that reason is beautiful. 

it's only beginning...

Every time someone makes their dramatic exit from my life, I panic. I'm stumped at why I feel like some people are so irreplaceable and why when one person leaves, another must take his place. I have always felt like that, like someone had to be in my sights for me to feel happy. And although in the past, I have followed the same process, I've gained experience and somewhere in there, I got smart.


I mean no offense, but I am relieved to be single again. I consistently felt like I was not good enough but that the potential for me to be someone else was what held us together. And I could not live with that, or like that. So much has been changing and so many of my feelings have been back and forth that I feel like I really need to focus on me and my goals. Delving into all these new experiences the past few months have opened my eyes. I have realized parts of who I am, and parts of who I definitely am not. I am still figuring it all out and still fighting to figure the rest of it out... but isn't it wonderful that we are all flexible enough to be grow from experience, to bend for opportunities, and to chase after our dreams? Isn't it beautiful that with a little work, the whole world is right at our fingertips? 


Last week I was in San Francisco thinking about all the people in the city- all the people I could meet, all the people I could know, all the people I could love. This week I found myself on the other side of the country in Pittsburgh staring down at the city thinking about all the people again- all the people that could laugh with me, all the people that could teach me, all the people that could love me.


I have always known many things that I love. My family, my friends, my dog. I have always felt the need to work with people, for people. I have always felt the need to volunteer, to learn about different cultures, different people, different experience. I have always loved and needed my empathy, my openness, my big heart. At this moment, I'm twenty-three years old and I know my journey is only beginning. 

a little bit more.

I am so ridiculously happy. Getting baptized was the best thing I ever did for myself. I know that I have had to give up a lot of things that were in my life before, and change the way I talk and even a little bit of the way I dress. I know I have to go to church every Sunday, and I know that I need to read the scriptures daily and pray often. I know 10% of what I make has to go to the church, and that I need to strive for a temple recommend, and to be a good example of what a Christian should be. I know that nobody expected me to get baptized, but I also know that once I started reading the Book of Mormon, I could not put it down and I know that I experienced feelings of happiness and comfort that were completely foreign to me.  I have not been this effortlessly happy in my entire life. I have never had the feeling of belonging quite like I do knowing that I am a member of the church. I have never been as proud of my life and of the decisions I've been making. I honestly can say that if my parents or even if God took a look at my decisions and my life, I would be proud. There have been so many times when my friends were going out or when I see my old friends that I wish I could drink and it's hard because I feel left out, but then I think about where my life was when I was drinking. I wasn't very happy, I didn't feel like I had too many good friends, I didn't pay attention to the actual friendship, I was ashamed of decisions I was making, and I was feeling empty and hopeless. Now I feel like a completely different person. I have a few amazing friends, who care about me and who I care about a ridiculous amount, I don't take my friends for granted and I am continuously thinking about how to be a better friend, or what I can do to make someone else's day better. I am always including people in my prayers, and I find myself smiling for no reason at all. I am just so proud and so happy of the decision I made to be baptized. I just cannot believe it took me so long to find this peace.

i am one very blessed girl.

Yesterday I was baptized into the Church of Jesus Christ of Ladder Day Saints and today I was confirmed in church. I feel absolutely amazing. The blessing my dad gave me was beautiful and I'm lucky that a lady from church wrote it down so that I can keep it forever. I was really overwhelmed stepping into the baptismal font and I started crying even before everything started. And after I received the gift of the Holy Ghost, I started crying again. They were tears of unconditional and inexplainable gratefulness. I have never felt this way in my life. Happy for no reason. I've been happy before, but it's been because good things were happening or coming, but right now, I am happy for no apparent reason. Just plain old happy. It's the most amazing feeling ever, effortless happiness. I was stunned at how many people came to support me, and am also continually stunned how many people do not support me.

It's really hard to go from who I was to who I want to be. It's not like I'm becoming a whole new person. I'm becoming a better version of me. A happier me. And I'm not going to lie, it's been hard to break old habits and sometimes I wonder what would happen if I just walked away from everything I'm pursuing so that everyone would talk to me again and be okay with me, but it's not right. What I'm doing right now is right. And I am going to take the advice of God, Jesus Christ, and the Holy Ghost to help guide me for the rest of my life because I have prayed about it and I have felt calm when I prayed for peace and I have been blessed when I've prayed for blessings and every time I pray, I feel better. And I will continue to pray that those who are not happy with my decision will come to see that it has made me a happier, better person and be willing to support their friend, as I would support them in any endeavor that was right for them. Already I know, I am one very blessed girl.

we all need a reason to believe.

This is where it starts... Ever since Mike died, I've questioned God a lot. I used to adamantly say I didn't believe in God, but the more I think about my cousin, the more it feels like there's no possible way that he can just be gone. I understand his body is gone, but he was so much of a person, so much good, that he can't have just died with his body. It just doesn't seem possible. I've questioned that multiple times a week since he died in June.


I stared this year in a really bad spot. Still dealing with a break up that felt like the end of the world to me, I was living in the moment, for the moment, and living simply to forget about my feelings and dealing with my problems. I was living a lie, basically. I was laid off from Macy's, for the second time, and the only thing going on in my life was school. I put a strain on my relationships with my family and my friends and I showed people a side of me than I never even knew, that I never want to know again.  But luckily, I've pulled myself out of all of that. I can't blame alcohol for that period of my life, but I can blame myself. I can blame myself for letting it get to the point where the only time I could even fake the illusion of happiness was with alcohol. I can blame myself for postponing "getting over it" and resorting to stupidity to not think about it. And as hard as I try, I can't take any of that back. I can only make a promise to myself that I will never let myself get that low again, and for the first time, I am swearing to myself that I won't. I can't. That's not me and that's not who I want to be. 


Needless to say, this year has been rough. After graduation, I felt like the world was mine, but it quickly became clear that a Bachelor's degree doesn't get you as far as it used to. I'm lucky to have a job, a job that I love, even if my hours are unsteady. But since I'm not going to school and since I haven't been going out and since I've cut out a lot of time with people who made making bad decisions easier, I feel lost. I feel like I'm floundering, like I'm drowning. I guess what this is coming down to is me admitting that I need help in my life, that I need support from more than my family and Zack and BreAnna, and that's really the only place I get it anymore. 


This entire year has had me thinking that maybe I should go back to church. I'm sure anyone reading this is surprised... whether that be happy for me or thinking I'm a hypocrite or just plain shocked. I don't want to lose relationships with people I love, people I know who don't support organized religion, people who have known a Venyce that didn't believe in God, didn't really care to talk about it, and didn't care to think about it. I know some people are even questioning my motives and I'm not making an official announcement because I'm still not sure where I'm going with this exploration, but this is the start. I can say now, I do believe in God. I really do. Because I know my cousin isn't gone, it's just not possible. And the idea of belonging to a church, believing in something greater than myself, being part of something... is exciting, and powerful. And I hope that it works out for me because I believe I'm at a point in my life where this is something I really need. 

Hello, next chapter.

If you never force yourself to think about and cope with situations in your life, they will never get better. I have learned this the hard way. For so long, I convinced myself that if I could just get through the next few weeks, I wouldn't have to deal with anything; everything wrong would just disappear. But weeks turned into months and my coping methods got more and more dangerous and less and less helpful. I finally saved myself from my own vices and pulled myself together, enough to keep my life on track, but I never actually coped. I'm at a place in my life where things are running smoothly enough for me to actually reflect and think and deal with what I've never been able to deal with before. And I know this is not the end of dealing with this, for me, but it is a start. A start that has been long awaited. 


I've given up the idea of you; of being with you, of being friends with you, of even seeing you ever again. I've given it all up. I am finally able to appreciate the experience and take it for what it is, and accept that it is a part of my past that holds absolutely no place in my future. It does still hurt, but it makes me realize what I lived through. I have no doubt that it will continue to hurt until I find somebody who can make me happy. And for the first time, I am okay with that, even excited about that. Letting go of you means opening myself up to new opportunities, giving other people a chance, not waiting around for somebody like you to walk in my life. I can't even figure out why I wanted another person like you, why I waited around for another person like you, because we were so obviously incompatible. So I'm saying goodbye to you, to the idea of you, to the you that never really existed but became such a character in my head. And I'm saying hello. Hello to a new me, hello to a new idea, hello to new experience, new opportunities, and the next chapter of my life.

I try to sound profound, I've found.

Well it pained, the first time the smell of your breath, creating a taste that still lingers in my mouth, longing for the hollowed feeling you left with me, when you left from me. My memory serves me too well. We're not as big as we feel, obviously better off without you. I try to sound profound, I've found, I'm definitely no pro masochistic reminiscing of what I've been missing it's so hard to finally let go, we're not as big as we feel. Heartache, take me away. You'd sit patiently while I'd experiment with what my voice can actually do. I'd add some lyrics about you, I love you! Are you listening? Ah, hell, you never listen to me. We're not as big as we feel.


With minor revisions. By Reuben's Accomplice.

Love Me.

I love my parents. I love my sister. I love my grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. I love Barkley. I love Sorcha. I love my friends. I love my job. I love a lot of people at my job. I love laughing so hard I cry. I love cold mornings in my warm bed. I love cooking. I love pictures. I love traveling. I love road trips and mini trips and weekend getaways. I love family vacation every year. I love exploring new things and National Parks. I love four wheeling. I love driving, short or long distances. I love making money. I love the feeling of a clean house, a clean car, or a clean body. I love good news. I love surprises. I love comedies, good books, and many sitcoms. I love scrap booking, mod podge, and sewing. I love getting new clothes, new shoes, new anything. I love the feeling of sun against my skin. I love chocolate. I love when people laugh at my jokes. I love the tug of a natural smile at the corners of my mouth. I love listening to music, discovering new music, reading about old music. I love the piano. I love back scratches, pedicures, and getting my hair done. I love riding my bike downhill, and finishing a hike. I love the smell of clean laundry and wrapping up in sheets right out of the dryer. I love bubble baths where I can just relax and read a book. I love diet mountain dew, going to the movies, bowling, taking my dog for a walk. I love the feeling of accomplishment. I love finishing something I have worked hard on. I love acknowledgment and help. I love courage, I love hope, I love life.


I find so many things in life to love, so why has it always been such a struggle to love me?

i know.

It's only been four months so it's not surprising that most days, you come into my mind and I still can't believe you're gone. I still cannot even fathom what it's like for you to be gone. It's like, now that you're gone, I have so many regrets about not being closer with you, about not going out of my way to see you more often, especially since we moved down the street. It feels like we are going to grow closer soon, it feels like our journey as cousins is not over, it feels like I need to see you, to talk to you, to laugh with you, to remind you that I love you. It's just been all surreal and even at your funeral, it didn't feel like you were gone. Even seeing your body laying there, without it's usual smile, it didn't feel like you were gone. It doesn't feel like you're really gone... it feels like I'm just going to see you next month for Thanksgiving, like we've always done. Or for Christmas. We have never spent a Thanksgiving or a Christmas without each other, and this years is fast approaching... and I'll miss you. I miss you. I miss you everyday, every time you pop into my mind, every time I think about church and God, or cars, or Arizona, or roads, or people named Mike, or family. All the time. Where are you, Mike? I know you're not gone.

lucky in love.

Let's get one thing straight. I am happy with my life right now, for the most part. I'm usually happy being single because it means I can be all about me and I can go out and meet people and do whatever I want, but that means I start the next weekend the same place I was the week before. I'm usually happy sleeping in the middle of the bed with Barkley moving to either side of me because that means I can wake up whenever, leave the tv on however long I want, and move around without worrying about disturbing anybody, but that means I rarely wake up smiling or have anybody to talk to in the morning. I'm usually happy going to movies and dinner with friends because that means there's no awkwardness, but that also means there's no butterflies. I'm usually happy with hanging out with different people all the time, but that means there's no familiarity and comfort... I'm generally happy being alone, and I'm used to. It's something I've grown accustomed to for most of my life, and it's something that I have made work for me.


BUT, some days I just feel lonely. Especially after I watch corny movies or talk to my friends who all have somebody in their lives. It seems like everyone always wants to do couple's dates and bring their boyfriends along. I don't want to be that third wheel that I'm so used to being. It seems like everybody prioritizes their boyfriends number one, so where does that leave me? How do I prioritize anybody when I have nobody? I have to wonder if I will ever find love. I also have to wonder what is wrong with me that I can't find anybody to even take a chance. I found love once, but sure enough, love disappeared and turned into absolutely nothing. And even though, deep down, I know I have more to offer somebody than he could ever appreciate and that I need somebody who can offer me more than he ever could, I also wonder what fault he found in me that made me so easily forgettable. If I am that easily forgettable, what could I possibly do to change that about me? 


I always had this feeling that I was fun, that I was unique, and that I had a lot to offer somebody and most of the time, that feeling sticks with me. Sometimes, like now, I feel like I would be lucky to even get a second look from anybody.


I've been lucky in life, but I'm ready to be lucky in love.

I don't care anymore!

I'm really tired of people saying things they don't mean, especially when it's something meaningful. Stop saying you're going to be here for me when you never are. Stop saying it, and just do it. Be here. I get sick of people who always say they are here for you. There have been a few times this year where I desperately needed someone to be here for me and guess what? Nobody was. The whole "I'm here for you" thing is getting old to me because it seems like a phrase people say when they don't know what else to say. The thing is, I have been here for so many people. I've picked them up, taken them out, listened to them, let them vent to me, cancelled other plans, and honestly, yeah, I do expect the same in return. I, at least, expect some kind of return in my time of need. Instead, I get "I'm sorry... anyways... this happened to me." Uh, I don't care anymore.

I don't care anymore!

I guess it just takes time...

He is happy..

I've let go of a lot of anger since my last post, mostly because of the funeral. After seeing how loved and how happy Mike was, it feels good to know he was so happy in his life. He honestly had found his place and his purpose in life, which a lot of people don't ever find. And he had more love than I can describe. Hearing the people from his church talk also has me, once again, questioning my beliefs on God. I honestly don't feel like Mike is gone, and I think it's comforting to believe I will see him again and that his death, while painful for us, is a very glorious thing for him. And I can buy that, so I am starting to believe in God, and I know Mike would love that.

I am going to miss him SO much. Thanksgiving, Christmas and other family events will never be the same without him, but I do believe he is happy.

and i'm angry...

Today was especially troubling. My mom, aunt, and cousin went to Prescott where Mike was killed to talk to a medical examiner, police, and a bunch of other people. They found out that they did not blow a tire, like I had thought. They had stopped 20 minutes prior to get their tire fixed and wherever they went didn't put the lug nuts back on tight, so the tire just fell off. And I am so angry.

Somebody's negligence, somebody's lack of care for their job and for others... cost so much. You cost two young boys their lives. They had so much going for them and so many experiences that they had yet to attain. You cost me my cousin, the most amazing kid in the world... the kid that I will forever regret not letting him know I love him, not hanging out with him more. You cost my aunt and uncle their youngest son. You cost my mom and dad their nephew. You cost my three cousins their youngest brother. And then you cost another family the same thing, except you cost one of their kids their lives and another one of their kids a hospital visit that he won't even remember because he's in a coma. You cost a loss for extended families, for friends, for church members, for everyone. You cost five kids the worst road trip and experience they will ever have. You cost three kids near death experiences that will be the most painful memory they will ever have. You cost so much, and I hope you realize that. I hope you think about that every time you work on a car, every time you see a young boy, every time you pray to God, I hope you think about that.

I wish you would have taken the extra couple minutes just to your job right.

First article...

http://www.abc15.com/dpp/news/region_northern_az/other/dps%3A-2-killed-in-crash-on-i-17-north-of-valley

To My Beloved Cousin.

Mike...

You are such a beautiful person. There are no words I can think of to begin to describe your passion for life and how light-hearted and optimistic you were. I know you are only 18, but you were and continue to be so inspiring. You had so many goals and so many ambitions and you were so adamant about achieving them. At 17, you had a better job than many people get in their entire life. You had bought your own car and were beginning to establish an adult life- a step that four years your senior, I am only beginning to take. You were a real go-getter. I always admired that in you because I have always been hesitant and a lot less hopeful. You always found the best in situations and always cared about those around you. Even just by inviting Alisha and I to your church, which I know was one of the most important things in your life, I knew we were important to you. And we came, because you are so important to us.

I have so many memories with you that I cannot even start to reflect. I remember when we were little, a basketball hoop in your backyard fell on us and I started crying. I looked over at you, and you were laughing. I feel so blessed to have you in my family, to have been able to spend every Thanksgiving and every Christmas with you for your entire life. Just last month, we went to lunch for my graduation and exchanged a look across the table. It was one of those looks that lets you know everything a person is thinking in a split second. It was one of those looks that only friends can share. We didn't even have to say a word, we just laughed at that single look. One thing I will always remember is that when I was in high school, you said, "it's so cool that Venyce wears band shirts and gets straight A's." I love that you thought I was cool, because I always thought you were cool too, and I loved our shared music tastes. I remember me, you, Matt and Alisha driving up to Lagoon every Friday, Saturday and Sunday the first year I moved up here and we would all sing along to the music in the car, despite the 7 year age gap between you and Alisha. Alisha and I hated that job and were always complaining, but you somehow found it in yourself to love that job and make the most of it. I was jealous of that. Now I am so grateful that I had that job, because it allowed for you guys to sleep at our apartment and spend a lot more time with us. I think we really learned about each other's humor, music taste, and life in that short month.

I cannot say enough how much I love you and how much I am going to miss you, even though I know that in more than one sense, you will always be here. And we will always be thinking of you. Always. "When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight. " -Kahlil Gibran. You have been a delight in my life- we have shared so many holidays, so many special ocsassions, so many laughs, and so much love.

Rest in Peace, Mike Peterson.

5/4/93-6/19/11

Day 10: I'm giving up.

I didn't really read over the 30 day thing until now and I decided I dislike it, so I'm just going to write about what my heart fancies...

Lately I've had an overwhelming feeling of loneliness, even when I'm with my friends. It just seems like everyone is finding their place in the world and are content with what's going on with them. Being around people reminds me of that. Even getting on facebook lately has just drained me because I feel so unprepared to face another day. I just graduated college, I haven't lived with my parents for four year... shouldn't I have this more figured out? I've been trying to keep my mind busy with superficial things, but it obviously isn't working and I know this is just a phase because I go through this loneliness feeling every once in a while, but it's awful. I, more than most people I know, have always needed a good friend to be by my side through thick and thin and lately it's just not happening anymore. I feel like I don't even know who some of my friends are anymore and honestly, I don't really care anymore either. People drift, it's part of life but what am I supposed to do when I feel like drifting to the point where I'm not here anymore?

Day 9: Your Beliefs

I believe in rarity...

I believe in true, undying love. I believe that I value love above all, which is why I'm single... I'm holding out for the right person because I honestly believe they are out there. I believe love is something that sticks and even though it's definition might change a little bit as time goes on, it never goes away. I believe love is associated with honesty, care, and respect. I believe true love is one of the most rare emotions in life.

I believe in friendship. I believe your friends love you, forgive you, and make their best attempt at understanding and empathizing with you. I believe friendship is not something you should have to work at. True friends automatically click and the only problems should be deciding when to see each other. I believe without friends, a person can never be truly happy. I believe your true friends will never say anything behind your back in any attempt to hurt you. I believe true friends are one in a million, but they are there.

I believe in trust. I believe in giving people some trust until they give me a reason not to. I believe when you trust somebody there is nothing you should do to lose that. I believe when you completely trust somebody, they are your best friend because complete trust is also an extreme rarity.

I believe in removing toxic people from your life.
I believe in gut instincts and following your heart.
I believe in dreaming.
I believe in honesty.
I believe in music.
I believe in happiness.
I believe in myself.

Day 8: A Moment

College graduation. Walking across the stage while they read my name, and actually pronounced it correctly. I always knew I would go to college and graduate, but it still felt so surreal and I felt so strangely proud of myself. I made it through an expensive private college and paid absolutely nothing. There were points when I doubted that I would graduate on time and points when I didn't even know what I wanted to do, but I made it.

Day 7: Your Definition of Love

Love... Love is the most powerful and limitless bond that exists. Love comes in many forms, but love is never weak. Love makes a person want to achieve more, be more, and do more. Love gives a person a new energy; an energy that enables a person to try new things, to see things from a different perspective, and to believe in new things. Love is inexplainable. Love is not always something we take notice of, but something that overpowers our worst days and makes us that much happier on our best days. Love is the most sacred word in the English language. Love is sacred, love is selective, love is perfect.