lucky in love.

Let's get one thing straight. I am happy with my life right now, for the most part. I'm usually happy being single because it means I can be all about me and I can go out and meet people and do whatever I want, but that means I start the next weekend the same place I was the week before. I'm usually happy sleeping in the middle of the bed with Barkley moving to either side of me because that means I can wake up whenever, leave the tv on however long I want, and move around without worrying about disturbing anybody, but that means I rarely wake up smiling or have anybody to talk to in the morning. I'm usually happy going to movies and dinner with friends because that means there's no awkwardness, but that also means there's no butterflies. I'm usually happy with hanging out with different people all the time, but that means there's no familiarity and comfort... I'm generally happy being alone, and I'm used to. It's something I've grown accustomed to for most of my life, and it's something that I have made work for me.


BUT, some days I just feel lonely. Especially after I watch corny movies or talk to my friends who all have somebody in their lives. It seems like everyone always wants to do couple's dates and bring their boyfriends along. I don't want to be that third wheel that I'm so used to being. It seems like everybody prioritizes their boyfriends number one, so where does that leave me? How do I prioritize anybody when I have nobody? I have to wonder if I will ever find love. I also have to wonder what is wrong with me that I can't find anybody to even take a chance. I found love once, but sure enough, love disappeared and turned into absolutely nothing. And even though, deep down, I know I have more to offer somebody than he could ever appreciate and that I need somebody who can offer me more than he ever could, I also wonder what fault he found in me that made me so easily forgettable. If I am that easily forgettable, what could I possibly do to change that about me? 


I always had this feeling that I was fun, that I was unique, and that I had a lot to offer somebody and most of the time, that feeling sticks with me. Sometimes, like now, I feel like I would be lucky to even get a second look from anybody.


I've been lucky in life, but I'm ready to be lucky in love.