I believe that reason is beautiful.

I've always been honest when I write. I guess it's pointless if I'm not, so, here goes...

I've been feeling overwhelmed lately. It's been so long since I updated this that I don't even know where to start, so I'll just be blunt. Ever since Mike died, I have been searching and longing for some kind of belief system. I don't know what else to call it other than crisis mode. I learned what one church believed about heaven and I liked it, so I dived in without questioning anything. I feel like I was told to just accept it and that later on, I would feel this spirit confirming what I "already knew to be true." And I could not wait to feel that spirit. I could not wait to have confirmation that life was not pointless, that I would see Mike again, that I would see all my loved ones again. Unfortunately, I'm not the kind of person who can believe something without some kind of evidence, I never have been. I've never been someone who can run completely off hope and expectations... I've always needed facts, evidence, some kind of sign and because of my crisis mode, I let go of all of that and trusted that something would happen and I would discover a new way. I will not ever say that I regret getting baptized. I don't. As I have started learning more about religion and in particular, this religion, I have come to realize what I do believe and also what I don't believe and although I have realized that my beliefs do not align with this church, nor any church that I know of, I have realized a great deal of what I do believe.

I believe nobody knows what happens when we die. I believe church can be an incredibly positive experience for a lot of people, and I believe that for others, it doesn't make sense. I believe in a higher power. I believe in God. I believe the Bible, with it's many versions, can be interpreted to mean a million different things, and that's beautiful. I believe the hope and promise that God brings can change people's lives. I believe in changing your life if it's what you want, if it's what you need. I believe in happiness. I believe everyone should pursue what makes them happy, and never feel guilty about it. I believe that opening some doors often means closing others, and that's not a bad thing. I believe that a true Christian will support anybody's endeavors to happiness, even if it means disagreeing with them. I believe we all have different beliefs for a reason, and I believe that reason is beautiful.