I guess it just takes time...

He is happy..

I've let go of a lot of anger since my last post, mostly because of the funeral. After seeing how loved and how happy Mike was, it feels good to know he was so happy in his life. He honestly had found his place and his purpose in life, which a lot of people don't ever find. And he had more love than I can describe. Hearing the people from his church talk also has me, once again, questioning my beliefs on God. I honestly don't feel like Mike is gone, and I think it's comforting to believe I will see him again and that his death, while painful for us, is a very glorious thing for him. And I can buy that, so I am starting to believe in God, and I know Mike would love that.

I am going to miss him SO much. Thanksgiving, Christmas and other family events will never be the same without him, but I do believe he is happy.

and i'm angry...

Today was especially troubling. My mom, aunt, and cousin went to Prescott where Mike was killed to talk to a medical examiner, police, and a bunch of other people. They found out that they did not blow a tire, like I had thought. They had stopped 20 minutes prior to get their tire fixed and wherever they went didn't put the lug nuts back on tight, so the tire just fell off. And I am so angry.

Somebody's negligence, somebody's lack of care for their job and for others... cost so much. You cost two young boys their lives. They had so much going for them and so many experiences that they had yet to attain. You cost me my cousin, the most amazing kid in the world... the kid that I will forever regret not letting him know I love him, not hanging out with him more. You cost my aunt and uncle their youngest son. You cost my mom and dad their nephew. You cost my three cousins their youngest brother. And then you cost another family the same thing, except you cost one of their kids their lives and another one of their kids a hospital visit that he won't even remember because he's in a coma. You cost a loss for extended families, for friends, for church members, for everyone. You cost five kids the worst road trip and experience they will ever have. You cost three kids near death experiences that will be the most painful memory they will ever have. You cost so much, and I hope you realize that. I hope you think about that every time you work on a car, every time you see a young boy, every time you pray to God, I hope you think about that.

I wish you would have taken the extra couple minutes just to your job right.

First article...

http://www.abc15.com/dpp/news/region_northern_az/other/dps%3A-2-killed-in-crash-on-i-17-north-of-valley

To My Beloved Cousin.

Mike...

You are such a beautiful person. There are no words I can think of to begin to describe your passion for life and how light-hearted and optimistic you were. I know you are only 18, but you were and continue to be so inspiring. You had so many goals and so many ambitions and you were so adamant about achieving them. At 17, you had a better job than many people get in their entire life. You had bought your own car and were beginning to establish an adult life- a step that four years your senior, I am only beginning to take. You were a real go-getter. I always admired that in you because I have always been hesitant and a lot less hopeful. You always found the best in situations and always cared about those around you. Even just by inviting Alisha and I to your church, which I know was one of the most important things in your life, I knew we were important to you. And we came, because you are so important to us.

I have so many memories with you that I cannot even start to reflect. I remember when we were little, a basketball hoop in your backyard fell on us and I started crying. I looked over at you, and you were laughing. I feel so blessed to have you in my family, to have been able to spend every Thanksgiving and every Christmas with you for your entire life. Just last month, we went to lunch for my graduation and exchanged a look across the table. It was one of those looks that lets you know everything a person is thinking in a split second. It was one of those looks that only friends can share. We didn't even have to say a word, we just laughed at that single look. One thing I will always remember is that when I was in high school, you said, "it's so cool that Venyce wears band shirts and gets straight A's." I love that you thought I was cool, because I always thought you were cool too, and I loved our shared music tastes. I remember me, you, Matt and Alisha driving up to Lagoon every Friday, Saturday and Sunday the first year I moved up here and we would all sing along to the music in the car, despite the 7 year age gap between you and Alisha. Alisha and I hated that job and were always complaining, but you somehow found it in yourself to love that job and make the most of it. I was jealous of that. Now I am so grateful that I had that job, because it allowed for you guys to sleep at our apartment and spend a lot more time with us. I think we really learned about each other's humor, music taste, and life in that short month.

I cannot say enough how much I love you and how much I am going to miss you, even though I know that in more than one sense, you will always be here. And we will always be thinking of you. Always. "When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight. " -Kahlil Gibran. You have been a delight in my life- we have shared so many holidays, so many special ocsassions, so many laughs, and so much love.

Rest in Peace, Mike Peterson.

5/4/93-6/19/11

Day 10: I'm giving up.

I didn't really read over the 30 day thing until now and I decided I dislike it, so I'm just going to write about what my heart fancies...

Lately I've had an overwhelming feeling of loneliness, even when I'm with my friends. It just seems like everyone is finding their place in the world and are content with what's going on with them. Being around people reminds me of that. Even getting on facebook lately has just drained me because I feel so unprepared to face another day. I just graduated college, I haven't lived with my parents for four year... shouldn't I have this more figured out? I've been trying to keep my mind busy with superficial things, but it obviously isn't working and I know this is just a phase because I go through this loneliness feeling every once in a while, but it's awful. I, more than most people I know, have always needed a good friend to be by my side through thick and thin and lately it's just not happening anymore. I feel like I don't even know who some of my friends are anymore and honestly, I don't really care anymore either. People drift, it's part of life but what am I supposed to do when I feel like drifting to the point where I'm not here anymore?

Day 9: Your Beliefs

I believe in rarity...

I believe in true, undying love. I believe that I value love above all, which is why I'm single... I'm holding out for the right person because I honestly believe they are out there. I believe love is something that sticks and even though it's definition might change a little bit as time goes on, it never goes away. I believe love is associated with honesty, care, and respect. I believe true love is one of the most rare emotions in life.

I believe in friendship. I believe your friends love you, forgive you, and make their best attempt at understanding and empathizing with you. I believe friendship is not something you should have to work at. True friends automatically click and the only problems should be deciding when to see each other. I believe without friends, a person can never be truly happy. I believe your true friends will never say anything behind your back in any attempt to hurt you. I believe true friends are one in a million, but they are there.

I believe in trust. I believe in giving people some trust until they give me a reason not to. I believe when you trust somebody there is nothing you should do to lose that. I believe when you completely trust somebody, they are your best friend because complete trust is also an extreme rarity.

I believe in removing toxic people from your life.
I believe in gut instincts and following your heart.
I believe in dreaming.
I believe in honesty.
I believe in music.
I believe in happiness.
I believe in myself.

Day 8: A Moment

College graduation. Walking across the stage while they read my name, and actually pronounced it correctly. I always knew I would go to college and graduate, but it still felt so surreal and I felt so strangely proud of myself. I made it through an expensive private college and paid absolutely nothing. There were points when I doubted that I would graduate on time and points when I didn't even know what I wanted to do, but I made it.

Day 7: Your Definition of Love

Love... Love is the most powerful and limitless bond that exists. Love comes in many forms, but love is never weak. Love makes a person want to achieve more, be more, and do more. Love gives a person a new energy; an energy that enables a person to try new things, to see things from a different perspective, and to believe in new things. Love is inexplainable. Love is not always something we take notice of, but something that overpowers our worst days and makes us that much happier on our best days. Love is the most sacred word in the English language. Love is sacred, love is selective, love is perfect.

Day 6: Your Husband/Boyfriend

Non existant.

Day 5: Your Best Friend

I think best friend is a relative term, because I have several good friends who are all the best in different areas, so I'll just talk about a couple of my best friends.

Trisha. This is us at our junior prom, five years ago. We've been friends for a long time and I can always confide in her and count on having a good time with her. We've done so many things together- Vegas, concerts, meeting Stephanie Meyer, Disneyland, Universal Studios, parties, projects- everything. Trisha's a lot like a sister to me because we can get annoyed with each other, make it known, and we still love each other at the end of the day. I feel like we'll always have a solid friendship.

BreAnna. This is us around Easter two or three years ago. BreAnna is a very dependable friend. I don't ever question what she tells me and I trust her more than most people I know. She can also make any situation fun/funny and is very easy going and down to do whatever, which makes everything that much more fun. She is the friend I think is most like me and we really understand each other. I can't even find words to tell you how much I love this girl.

Kate. My diabestie (diabetic bestie). This is us at diabetes camp three years ago. It is kind of weird to think about our age difference because I'm three years older than Kate, but we somehow manage to never remember that until somebody else brings it up. The only complicated thing in our friendship is deciding where to eat, haha. She is the friend I have the most serious talks with and open up the most to, even though I sometimes try not to have any emotion talking about things. We also laugh at everything, and the dumbest things, which I thoroughly enjoy. There's nothing I love more than Madge impersonations, singing, and making up new characters.

Day 4: Your Siblings

I just have one sister. Alisha, who will be 25 on August 12. Not only is she my room mate, but she's also my best friend. She is a social worker for the state and is starting grad school in a couple months. What a go getter. She's been through everything with me and we've had our ups and downs but we're very close and I think we will always stay close. We can laugh together, cry together, talk with each other, and do just about anything else together. I don't know what words I can possibly say to describe how much she means to me. I just know without her, I would not have made it through.

Day 3: Your Parents

I'm doing day three now since I really skipped day two.


My parents are the most amazing people in the world. They have supported me financially and emotionally since day one, whether it was convenient for them or not. They are always there to help me when I'm not sure that I'll make it. They always provide the extra encouragement and strength that I need to make it through something and are the reason that I still believe in myself.  They are patient, forgiving, understandable, and literally the two most amazing people on the planet. My mom is funny and honest. She will listen to every problem you want to tell her and tell you the honest truth about what she thinks and she's always a reminder of the mature responses. She's a hard worker, a kind spirit, and a genuinely good person. My dad is quiet, but supportive. He is receptive to my struggles and has always stepped in at the right times to give me that extra encouragement. He never lets me forget than he is proud of me, and that keeps me motivated. I cannot imagine my life without my parents because they are the very core of my life. They always say that your goal should be to make your kids life better than your own, but my parents have set a very high standard for me. I don't think anyone could be as good of a parent or provide as good of a life as my own parents. They are the two single most important people in my life.

Day 2: Your first love

...I don't want to talk about it.

Day 1: Introduction

Day 1: Introduction.

My name is Venyce and I feel like I am just as unique as my name. I am 22 years young and I've been a type-1 diabetic since the age of 9, which has had a huge impact on my life. I've met some of my favorite people at a diabetes camp I went to the summer after I was diagnosed (1999) and still go to on occasion to volunteer. I graduated from Westminster College in May 2011 with my B.S. in psychology and I currently work for the state at a job that I absolutely love. People most often comment on my eyes, my humor, and my insulin pump. The love of my life is a female- a pug, named Barkley and I never knew that a dog could make me as happy as she does. I love driving, music, movies, friends, and jokes. I have the most amazing family who has supported me and encouraged me in every endeavor of my life. I love spelling and it drives me nuts when people are absolutely illiterate, especially when it's because they're lazy. I'm a hopeless romantic and most Taylor Swift songs describe some point in the last year of my life. I am single, and although sometimes I treasure that, I often find myself lonely. I love to travel. I am, in fact, writing this blog from a condominium in South Carolina, although I live in Utah. I'm just me, and not enough words I can type will tell you who I am or what I'm about so read my blog and get your own feel for me.

I don't understand a lot of feelings I've been having and honestly, maybe it's just because I haven't had a drink in a while and that's forcing me to actually deal with what I've chosen too many times to ignore. I don't understand why thinking about you still hurts when I know you're not who I want to be with, when I am certain it's not you who can make me happy. I don't understand how it's so easy for "love" to erase itself, and how easy I was to forget, not just for you, but for all the others too. I don't understand what's so wrong with me that nobody can find me good enough for them or think that I can't make them happy. I don't understand how some nights my heart can feel this heavy, and the next day I'm fine. I'm irritated that every boy I meet tells me they aren't ready for a relationship, but the next girl that walks by happens to change their mind. I'm sick of being treated like a doormat, like I'm undeserving, like I'm not good enough. Love so far really has not been worth the risks it poses, and that is becoming more and more clear the older I get. I honestly thought that would be the exact opposite.

I've fallen apart many times in the last year, probably more times than I can count. Last winter, I hit rock bottom when I lost my job, drank more than I ate, missing class, forgetting responsibilities, and just didn't care anymore. Here I am now... a college graduate, working for the state, on vacation in South Carolina, Sometimes it's easy to smile, sometimes it's all I can do to not burst into tears and I suppose that's part of life, but some days it's just hard.

I have no other choice but to believe there is somebody out there that is going to make me realize why nobody else mattered, why nothing else worked out, and why love isn't forgettable. I want to smile all the time. I want to laugh with my entire body, love with my entire heart, and live with my entire being. I'm about to do big things, and I will not let memories pull me down. I know in my heart that I am a special person and there is somebody out there who will never let me forget it.... Where is he?