I don't understand a lot of feelings I've been having and honestly, maybe it's just because I haven't had a drink in a while and that's forcing me to actually deal with what I've chosen too many times to ignore. I don't understand why thinking about you still hurts when I know you're not who I want to be with, when I am certain it's not you who can make me happy. I don't understand how it's so easy for "love" to erase itself, and how easy I was to forget, not just for you, but for all the others too. I don't understand what's so wrong with me that nobody can find me good enough for them or think that I can't make them happy. I don't understand how some nights my heart can feel this heavy, and the next day I'm fine. I'm irritated that every boy I meet tells me they aren't ready for a relationship, but the next girl that walks by happens to change their mind. I'm sick of being treated like a doormat, like I'm undeserving, like I'm not good enough. Love so far really has not been worth the risks it poses, and that is becoming more and more clear the older I get. I honestly thought that would be the exact opposite.

I've fallen apart many times in the last year, probably more times than I can count. Last winter, I hit rock bottom when I lost my job, drank more than I ate, missing class, forgetting responsibilities, and just didn't care anymore. Here I am now... a college graduate, working for the state, on vacation in South Carolina, Sometimes it's easy to smile, sometimes it's all I can do to not burst into tears and I suppose that's part of life, but some days it's just hard.

I have no other choice but to believe there is somebody out there that is going to make me realize why nobody else mattered, why nothing else worked out, and why love isn't forgettable. I want to smile all the time. I want to laugh with my entire body, love with my entire heart, and live with my entire being. I'm about to do big things, and I will not let memories pull me down. I know in my heart that I am a special person and there is somebody out there who will never let me forget it.... Where is he?