I try to sound profound, I've found.

Well it pained, the first time the smell of your breath, creating a taste that still lingers in my mouth, longing for the hollowed feeling you left with me, when you left from me. My memory serves me too well. We're not as big as we feel, obviously better off without you. I try to sound profound, I've found, I'm definitely no pro masochistic reminiscing of what I've been missing it's so hard to finally let go, we're not as big as we feel. Heartache, take me away. You'd sit patiently while I'd experiment with what my voice can actually do. I'd add some lyrics about you, I love you! Are you listening? Ah, hell, you never listen to me. We're not as big as we feel.


With minor revisions. By Reuben's Accomplice.

Love Me.

I love my parents. I love my sister. I love my grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. I love Barkley. I love Sorcha. I love my friends. I love my job. I love a lot of people at my job. I love laughing so hard I cry. I love cold mornings in my warm bed. I love cooking. I love pictures. I love traveling. I love road trips and mini trips and weekend getaways. I love family vacation every year. I love exploring new things and National Parks. I love four wheeling. I love driving, short or long distances. I love making money. I love the feeling of a clean house, a clean car, or a clean body. I love good news. I love surprises. I love comedies, good books, and many sitcoms. I love scrap booking, mod podge, and sewing. I love getting new clothes, new shoes, new anything. I love the feeling of sun against my skin. I love chocolate. I love when people laugh at my jokes. I love the tug of a natural smile at the corners of my mouth. I love listening to music, discovering new music, reading about old music. I love the piano. I love back scratches, pedicures, and getting my hair done. I love riding my bike downhill, and finishing a hike. I love the smell of clean laundry and wrapping up in sheets right out of the dryer. I love bubble baths where I can just relax and read a book. I love diet mountain dew, going to the movies, bowling, taking my dog for a walk. I love the feeling of accomplishment. I love finishing something I have worked hard on. I love acknowledgment and help. I love courage, I love hope, I love life.


I find so many things in life to love, so why has it always been such a struggle to love me?

i know.

It's only been four months so it's not surprising that most days, you come into my mind and I still can't believe you're gone. I still cannot even fathom what it's like for you to be gone. It's like, now that you're gone, I have so many regrets about not being closer with you, about not going out of my way to see you more often, especially since we moved down the street. It feels like we are going to grow closer soon, it feels like our journey as cousins is not over, it feels like I need to see you, to talk to you, to laugh with you, to remind you that I love you. It's just been all surreal and even at your funeral, it didn't feel like you were gone. Even seeing your body laying there, without it's usual smile, it didn't feel like you were gone. It doesn't feel like you're really gone... it feels like I'm just going to see you next month for Thanksgiving, like we've always done. Or for Christmas. We have never spent a Thanksgiving or a Christmas without each other, and this years is fast approaching... and I'll miss you. I miss you. I miss you everyday, every time you pop into my mind, every time I think about church and God, or cars, or Arizona, or roads, or people named Mike, or family. All the time. Where are you, Mike? I know you're not gone.

lucky in love.

Let's get one thing straight. I am happy with my life right now, for the most part. I'm usually happy being single because it means I can be all about me and I can go out and meet people and do whatever I want, but that means I start the next weekend the same place I was the week before. I'm usually happy sleeping in the middle of the bed with Barkley moving to either side of me because that means I can wake up whenever, leave the tv on however long I want, and move around without worrying about disturbing anybody, but that means I rarely wake up smiling or have anybody to talk to in the morning. I'm usually happy going to movies and dinner with friends because that means there's no awkwardness, but that also means there's no butterflies. I'm usually happy with hanging out with different people all the time, but that means there's no familiarity and comfort... I'm generally happy being alone, and I'm used to. It's something I've grown accustomed to for most of my life, and it's something that I have made work for me.


BUT, some days I just feel lonely. Especially after I watch corny movies or talk to my friends who all have somebody in their lives. It seems like everyone always wants to do couple's dates and bring their boyfriends along. I don't want to be that third wheel that I'm so used to being. It seems like everybody prioritizes their boyfriends number one, so where does that leave me? How do I prioritize anybody when I have nobody? I have to wonder if I will ever find love. I also have to wonder what is wrong with me that I can't find anybody to even take a chance. I found love once, but sure enough, love disappeared and turned into absolutely nothing. And even though, deep down, I know I have more to offer somebody than he could ever appreciate and that I need somebody who can offer me more than he ever could, I also wonder what fault he found in me that made me so easily forgettable. If I am that easily forgettable, what could I possibly do to change that about me? 


I always had this feeling that I was fun, that I was unique, and that I had a lot to offer somebody and most of the time, that feeling sticks with me. Sometimes, like now, I feel like I would be lucky to even get a second look from anybody.


I've been lucky in life, but I'm ready to be lucky in love.