This is where it starts... Ever since Mike died, I've questioned God a lot. I used to adamantly say I didn't believe in God, but the more I think about my cousin, the more it feels like there's no possible way that he can just be gone. I understand his body is gone, but he was so much of a person, so much good, that he can't have just died with his body. It just doesn't seem possible. I've questioned that multiple times a week since he died in June.
I stared this year in a really bad spot. Still dealing with a break up that felt like the end of the world to me, I was living in the moment, for the moment, and living simply to forget about my feelings and dealing with my problems. I was living a lie, basically. I was laid off from Macy's, for the second time, and the only thing going on in my life was school. I put a strain on my relationships with my family and my friends and I showed people a side of me than I never even knew, that I never want to know again. But luckily, I've pulled myself out of all of that. I can't blame alcohol for that period of my life, but I can blame myself. I can blame myself for letting it get to the point where the only time I could even fake the illusion of happiness was with alcohol. I can blame myself for postponing "getting over it" and resorting to stupidity to not think about it. And as hard as I try, I can't take any of that back. I can only make a promise to myself that I will never let myself get that low again, and for the first time, I am swearing to myself that I won't. I can't. That's not me and that's not who I want to be.
Needless to say, this year has been rough. After graduation, I felt like the world was mine, but it quickly became clear that a Bachelor's degree doesn't get you as far as it used to. I'm lucky to have a job, a job that I love, even if my hours are unsteady. But since I'm not going to school and since I haven't been going out and since I've cut out a lot of time with people who made making bad decisions easier, I feel lost. I feel like I'm floundering, like I'm drowning. I guess what this is coming down to is me admitting that I need help in my life, that I need support from more than my family and Zack and BreAnna, and that's really the only place I get it anymore.
This entire year has had me thinking that maybe I should go back to church. I'm sure anyone reading this is surprised... whether that be happy for me or thinking I'm a hypocrite or just plain shocked. I don't want to lose relationships with people I love, people I know who don't support organized religion, people who have known a Venyce that didn't believe in God, didn't really care to talk about it, and didn't care to think about it. I know some people are even questioning my motives and I'm not making an official announcement because I'm still not sure where I'm going with this exploration, but this is the start. I can say now, I do believe in God. I really do. Because I know my cousin isn't gone, it's just not possible. And the idea of belonging to a church, believing in something greater than myself, being part of something... is exciting, and powerful. And I hope that it works out for me because I believe I'm at a point in my life where this is something I really need.
